If People Only Knew

I didn’t think it could get more difficult, but it has and it did. It’s hard to know how bad my stuttering will be in any given day. I never know which conversations will go well or which ones will leave me never wanting to talk again. 

I am reminded of some tough times I had when I was child. You know when you stutter, there’s specific situations that you just never forget. My family and I would go to church a lot and this one Sunday we went to a church with people I didn’t know at all. You know what that means, I would have to introduce myself and tell people my name. The only problem was I couldn’t, “Hello, my name is aaaahhhh, aaaahhhhh, aaaahhhh” anxiously taking another deep breath hoping they wouldn’t notice, “aaaahhhh, aaaahhhh, aaaahhhh”, finally I shamefully look over to my older brother, hoping he’ll say my name for me. “This is my brother Andrew” as my brother would say. I felt so relieved yet so deeply vulnerable when I had to rely on someone else to tell others who I was. 

Sometimes I can’t find the words to express the feelings that come when I can’t even say my name, not just my name but when one word won’t even come out. The thought of not being able to say one word just keeps me up all night. This happens consistently, week in and week out. Just this past saturday, I was at a party talking with a couple of people and got stuck on this stupid “b” word that would not come out. It was like squeezing the last toothpaste out of a tube, you annoyingly keep squeezing the tube hoping something would come out, squeezing till it’s bone dry. Well, there I was blocking on this “b”, squeezing out every breath I had till my lungs were bone dry, then I would go at it again. These people were not my closest friends either, I had no clue how they were going to respond. All along this “b” word would not come out, my face and lips were all contorted, I was looking out into space cause God forbid that I actually look them in the eye the whole time. It took me about 4 different tries to get the word out. 4 different tries! That means starting over 4 different times, taking 4 different breathes, contorting my face 4 different times in 4 different ways. Right then and there, I was finished. I was done. No more talking, no more caring.

If people only knew the scars that are left behind in each conversation I have. I jump into a conversation never knowing what will happen. How bad will I stutter? How long will my blocks be? Will the listener actually listen or shrug it off as nothing? 

The Dream to be Fluent

I’ve always wondered what life would be like in a world of complete fluency. No more stammering, no more blocking, no more repeating words, just complete and utter fluency. Words would just roll off my tongue like butter and I would no longer have to be afraid of stuttering. I could say whatever I want to! Talk to whoever I want to! Call any girl I want to! Oh man, what a dream that is. A concept that I’m really not familiar with.

I’ve often dreamed of this day many times. Oh I can see it now, proudly walking up on stage in front of thousands of people, giving a speech about how I’ve turned from stuttering to complete fluency. My life would be an inspiration to those who have had challenges, a living testimony that daily practice and hard work would be the key to complete fluency. Oh yeah! The dream felt so real at times, week in and week out I would ponder what I would speak about and how I would say it, changing lives with every fluent word I spoke. 

The Stuttering Never Stops

Stuttering never takes a break. Never stops. Never takes a rest. Never goes away.  Every minute, every hour, every day it is right there haunting me every time I speak. How does this make me feel? Exhausted.  

Some days I just wish there was a break but the only break I get is in silence, which is neither comforting nor relieving, it’s just lonely but it’s the only thing I know to find rest in some days.

It never ends. The blocking on words, running out of breath, not being able to speak or say a word, not being heard. Some days it’s just hard to see the end in sight. The way I sound and my facial contortions when I stutter just stay with me forever. 

The one thing that makes me cringe more than anything else in the world is seeing my own reflection in the mirror while I’m stuttering. It’s then I realize how my face really looks when I stutter, and I never want to see that again. My tongue sticking out while I’m speaking, my lips and jaw tensing up forcing a word out, my head nodding up and down. It’s an image that I never want to remember. 

10 Things You Should Know About People Who Stutter(or at least about me)

It’s ok if you want to bring up my stuttering and talk about it. Go ahead, give it a shot! I would rather talk about my stuttering than pretend like it's not there. 

“What did you say again? I didn’t hear that.” Whenever I hear these words, I just cringe. Please, please, please listen carefully to what we’re saying cause you may never hear it again. 

Expect me to talk. Don’t just assume that I don’t want to talk in front of crowds. It's good to feel some kind of pressure and stress in life, it keeps me alive. 

A Block to Remember

For someone who stutters, there are blocks we never forget, experiences we can never shake and pain we just can’t forget. For those of you who don’t know what it means to block on a word, it’s when you’re trying to say a particular word but your vocal cords tense up and blocks any air flow from coming out, then it all goes down hill from there. The scary part is that you have no clue how long the block will last for, sometimes a couple of seconds and other times a couple of minutes. The longer the block, the deeper the pain goes.