When I woke up this morning I did not know that I would have
a phone call that I would never forget. A phone call that would make me think
twice about my job, my career, my abilities and myself as a person.
The phone rang like it normally did and I answered it like I
normally did, “S TTTTTTTTTTT S Office th th th th this is Andrew.” I’ve given
up on trying to hide my stutter over the phone. I’ve been able to get by with
it for a while but this time it wasn’t going well. The guy asked a question and
I tried answering it, stuttering all the way through like a pro, “all of our S
TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT”, I couldn’t even get half through my sentence without him
interrupting me. “I’m sorry I can’t even understand you, all of your what?” if
you let me finish my sentence you would know what. So I tried it again, “all of
our S TTTTTTTT S evvvvvvvvvvvvvents are on our website” I said running out of
air. “What’s on your website? Do you even know the answer to my question? Is
there someone else there I can talk to who does know?” By this time, I was
trying to figure out ways to abort the conversation. I have had it with this
guy! I can’t even finish my sentences without him interrupting me and he can’t
even understand me. It is a lose, lose situation. “Yes, you can t t t t t t t t
t talk with our p p p p p p p p p program manager.” I finally got it out. That
was it I’m done. “What about your program manager? I can even understand you.
Can you just transfer me?” I transferred him in a heartbeat. I wanted nothing more
to do with this guy.
My first thoughts after a conversation like this are always
extreme. I start thinking thoughts like I’m so incompetent. I’m dumb and stupid.
I can’t do this job. I’m never going to move up in my career cause I can’t even
talk to people. I wish I could just escape all this and live in a cabin in the
woods and become a mountain man. I want to cry and yet callous my heart to
these feelings at the same time. I want to ignore them because I don’t know how
to handle them.
This is not the first time this has happened and it’s
definitely not going to be the last. After the phone call, I was pondering on
how I was going to react and deal with this situation and all these feelings I
was feeling. Then I realized that earlier on in the day I was able to have some
pretty great conversations with total strangers who didn’t care I stuttered. I
noticed how easy it was for me to forget all the good conversations I’ve had
and yet carry around all the negative ones I’ve had. So I decided to let it go.
It’s not going to be easy to let it go and it will definitely leave a scar on
my heart but just like with anything tough situation, you have to just get back
up and keep at it. Even though I wanted to quit talking for the rest of the
week, I had to get back to my office and keep talking and just before you know
it the phone rang again.
