The Dream to be Fluent

I’ve always wondered what life would be like in a world of complete fluency. No more stammering, no more blocking, no more repeating words, just complete and utter fluency. Words would just roll off my tongue like butter and I would no longer have to be afraid of stuttering. I could say whatever I want to! Talk to whoever I want to! Call any girl I want to! Oh man, what a dream that is. A concept that I’m really not familiar with.

I’ve often dreamed of this day many times. Oh I can see it now, proudly walking up on stage in front of thousands of people, giving a speech about how I’ve turned from stuttering to complete fluency. My life would be an inspiration to those who have had challenges, a living testimony that daily practice and hard work would be the key to complete fluency. Oh yeah! The dream felt so real at times, week in and week out I would ponder what I would speak about and how I would say it, changing lives with every fluent word I spoke. 

The Stuttering Never Stops

Stuttering never takes a break. Never stops. Never takes a rest. Never goes away.  Every minute, every hour, every day it is right there haunting me every time I speak. How does this make me feel? Exhausted.  

Some days I just wish there was a break but the only break I get is in silence, which is neither comforting nor relieving, it’s just lonely but it’s the only thing I know to find rest in some days.

It never ends. The blocking on words, running out of breath, not being able to speak or say a word, not being heard. Some days it’s just hard to see the end in sight. The way I sound and my facial contortions when I stutter just stay with me forever. 

The one thing that makes me cringe more than anything else in the world is seeing my own reflection in the mirror while I’m stuttering. It’s then I realize how my face really looks when I stutter, and I never want to see that again. My tongue sticking out while I’m speaking, my lips and jaw tensing up forcing a word out, my head nodding up and down. It’s an image that I never want to remember.