The Dream to be Fluent

I’ve always wondered what life would be like in a world of complete fluency. No more stammering, no more blocking, no more repeating words, just complete and utter fluency. Words would just roll off my tongue like butter and I would no longer have to be afraid of stuttering. I could say whatever I want to! Talk to whoever I want to! Call any girl I want to! Oh man, what a dream that is. A concept that I’m really not familiar with.

I’ve often dreamed of this day many times. Oh I can see it now, proudly walking up on stage in front of thousands of people, giving a speech about how I’ve turned from stuttering to complete fluency. My life would be an inspiration to those who have had challenges, a living testimony that daily practice and hard work would be the key to complete fluency. Oh yeah! The dream felt so real at times, week in and week out I would ponder what I would speak about and how I would say it, changing lives with every fluent word I spoke. 

So what was next? Well in order for that dream to actually take place, I would need to be fluent. Therefore, I went to work. I practiced day in and day out, working to become fluent. Some weeks I would practice 3-4 hours a day, sitting up there in my room slowly sounding out syllables, working on my breathing, going through my techniques, reading flash cards, reading out loud and breathing in and out. The key was breathing, making sure that I was speaking while I was exhaling, making sure that I had enough breath to finish the sentence and if not then I would stop, breath in and finish the sentence. I was a fanatic on breathing! I would sit up there in my room and just breathe in and out for hours going through the vowels and one syllable words. I’ve never been more exhausted in my life than when I would just work on breathing in and out for an hour. 

So I practiced and practiced week in and week out, year after year. I would set myself goals as to be fluent by the end of the week, then by the end of the month, then by the end of the year. As you can imagine, putting all that pressure on myself to be fluent and never obtaining it was tough. I would come down from my room after I had been practicing for a couple of hours, hoping that fluency would just come if I kept to my technique and kept to my breathing. I would start talking with my family just as normal but in the back of my mind everything was on the line, would I be fluent or still stutter? Of course, I stuttered and in some cases my stuttering became worse. 

From there, things just became harder. I thought I wasn’t practicing enough, so I practiced more and more. I remember one time just sitting in my room with no one else around trying to read fluently, trying to sound like everyone else, trying to sound normal. But I couldn’t. I got stuck on a word and I was determined to say it fluently. First attempt, I failed, second attempt, still stuttered, third and fourth attempt, still stuttered but this time I was forcing the word to come out. Screw my technique, this word is coming out! I was determined but I was running out of time, my breath was low, my face was turning red, my teeth and jaw were clamping down tight; as my mouth was frozen in pain and anguish the frustration and anger just kept building every second I kept stuttering on this stupid word, until I just burst into tears. Tears of confusion and frustration. 

My dream was to be fluent and inspire people with my fluency but here I was sitting in my room with no one else around, still stuttering. 

I share with you guys these experiences because I’ve realized that fluency is no longer my goal, my dream is still to inspire people and change lives with whatever weaknesses I have but to be fluent is no longer what I’m hoping for. If I were to become fluent, I would have no clue what to do with myself, I wouldn’t know who I am because all I know is stuttering. I don't necessarily enjoy stuttering but it's a part of me and it's definitely not going anywhere.

Stuttering makes me unique, makes me different and makes me stand out. Even though I can't control my stuttering, the one thing I can control is whether I'm silent or not. My new dream, believe it or not, does not consist of being fluent anymore but it is to use my stuttering, in every shape and form, to change lives and inspire people around me. 

“My stuttering is a fact of my life, silence, however, is an admission that stuttering affects my life." 
Marty Jezer from Stuttering: A Life Bound Up In Words