The Stuttering Never Stops

Stuttering never takes a break. Never stops. Never takes a rest. Never goes away.  Every minute, every hour, every day it is right there haunting me every time I speak. How does this make me feel? Exhausted.  

Some days I just wish there was a break but the only break I get is in silence, which is neither comforting nor relieving, it’s just lonely but it’s the only thing I know to find rest in some days.

It never ends. The blocking on words, running out of breath, not being able to speak or say a word, not being heard. Some days it’s just hard to see the end in sight. The way I sound and my facial contortions when I stutter just stay with me forever. 

The one thing that makes me cringe more than anything else in the world is seeing my own reflection in the mirror while I’m stuttering. It’s then I realize how my face really looks when I stutter, and I never want to see that again. My tongue sticking out while I’m speaking, my lips and jaw tensing up forcing a word out, my head nodding up and down. It’s an image that I never want to remember. 


Reality can be hard for me to embrace and accept. When I go about my day talking, I never actually notice how I look when I’m talking and thank God I don’t cause I don’t think I would ever speak again if I knew what I looked like, constantly stuttering. 

Reality and the way I perceive myself are always in conflict. I’d like to see myself as a person who is confident, intelligent, and capable but whenever I do stutter that self-image is shattered by the feelings of being dumb, stupid, insignificant, small and just not feeling capable.  

This is the battle I face everyday. The battle of keeping a positive self-image. The battle of dealing with the pain. The battle to keep speaking even when I want to live in silence. The stuttering never stops and to be honest I don’t think it ever will. That’s ok though because I believe it has changed me for the better, or so I hope it has.

I am reminded of a quote from John F. Kennedy which reminds me that life is not meant to be easy but that our struggles and hardships are meant to make us stronger. This is what keeps me going through the stuttering and the pain.

“Do not pray for easy lives, pray to be stronger men.” John F. Kennedy