If People Only Knew

I didn’t think it could get more difficult, but it has and it did. It’s hard to know how bad my stuttering will be in any given day. I never know which conversations will go well or which ones will leave me never wanting to talk again. 

I am reminded of some tough times I had when I was child. You know when you stutter, there’s specific situations that you just never forget. My family and I would go to church a lot and this one Sunday we went to a church with people I didn’t know at all. You know what that means, I would have to introduce myself and tell people my name. The only problem was I couldn’t, “Hello, my name is aaaahhhh, aaaahhhhh, aaaahhhh” anxiously taking another deep breath hoping they wouldn’t notice, “aaaahhhh, aaaahhhh, aaaahhhh”, finally I shamefully look over to my older brother, hoping he’ll say my name for me. “This is my brother Andrew” as my brother would say. I felt so relieved yet so deeply vulnerable when I had to rely on someone else to tell others who I was. 

Sometimes I can’t find the words to express the feelings that come when I can’t even say my name, not just my name but when one word won’t even come out. The thought of not being able to say one word just keeps me up all night. This happens consistently, week in and week out. Just this past saturday, I was at a party talking with a couple of people and got stuck on this stupid “b” word that would not come out. It was like squeezing the last toothpaste out of a tube, you annoyingly keep squeezing the tube hoping something would come out, squeezing till it’s bone dry. Well, there I was blocking on this “b”, squeezing out every breath I had till my lungs were bone dry, then I would go at it again. These people were not my closest friends either, I had no clue how they were going to respond. All along this “b” word would not come out, my face and lips were all contorted, I was looking out into space cause God forbid that I actually look them in the eye the whole time. It took me about 4 different tries to get the word out. 4 different tries! That means starting over 4 different times, taking 4 different breathes, contorting my face 4 different times in 4 different ways. Right then and there, I was finished. I was done. No more talking, no more caring.

If people only knew the scars that are left behind in each conversation I have. I jump into a conversation never knowing what will happen. How bad will I stutter? How long will my blocks be? Will the listener actually listen or shrug it off as nothing?